A lot of what we once wrote for the mail is now communicated via a Twitter, a text, an email, a phone call- but here is one thing that should always be sent by mail (and additionally in person, when possible, but always also by mail)- sympathy cards. These are notes that should be sent out as soon as you hear the news, but unfortunately  they can be hard to write because- well, it is never a happy topic to be writing about, especially when one might also be grieving oneself. But, I can say from personal experience that such notes can be of great comfort to those close to a deceased person.

As to the writing itself- these notes certainly don't have to be long. They can be as long or short as they need to be, really. If you are uncomfortable writing much, the greeting card industry has many lovely products to choose from; just make sure to still add a few personal lines. If you are choosing to write a bit more than can fit on a card, this is one instance where choosing the right stationary really matters. Most things can be jotted down on any old thing that's handy- post-it notes, lined notebook paper or funny cartoon stationary- but for sympathy notes choose tasteful stationary or good quality, unlined white paper. Also, handwritten notes will communicate a more personal touch in these circumstances than a typed letter will. Some people worry about the language and tone of a sympathy card. It is perfectly acceptable to use the word "death," but if it makes you uncomfortable common euphemisms are fine too. Keep the tone casual, as if you were talking to the letter-receiver. No need to write poems or use formal language unless that is part of your relationship to the note's recipient or part of your profession.

The contents of a sympathy note generally start with acknowledging the recipient's loss, referring to the deceased by name. If you knew the deceased person yourself, you can talk about the specific qualities of the person, and/or choose to share a special memory about that person. It can often be comforting to the recipient to reminisce, and to know that others have warm, positive memories of the person they are grieving for.  If you didn't know the deceased, simply skip that step rather than conjecturing about that person.  In closing, you can feel free to offer help, but make sure it is specific. Asking the bereaved to "call if they need anything," puts the burden on them. It can be awkward enough to ask for help when one is not feeling vulnerable. At a time of grief it is unlikelier still. Instead, offer specific help. For example, if one lives nearby an offer to babysit, or bring over food can be of great assistance.  Whether you live nearby or not, you can also promise to call on a specified day ("I will call to see how you are on Saturday.") However, only make these offers if you truly can follow through.  Also, if the family has asked for donations in lieu of flowers for the memorial, this might be a time to mention such a donation has been made.

There are, however, several things you should not say in a sympathy card. Do not attempt to explain the death or say that it was a positive thing (i.e. "It was God's plan," or even "He was in so much pain it is a blessing he's moved on"). Though you may believe these things are true or that they should be of comfort, people might interpret them differently. Such phrases too often come across as minimizing the person's loss, which is never anyone's intent! Along the same lines, avoid much religious talk unless you know the person and their spiritual beliefs well.  Also avoid saying you know how the grieving person feels; everyone experiences grief differently even if you have also lost a person with a similar relation to yourself. Lastly, though the benediction "sincerely" works in most circumstances, here it might be better to opt for a more personal closing such as "with warmest regards," or "kindest concerns."

If you are still looking for tips for writing sympathy notes, try reading these blog posts:

Writing Condolence Letters  from the Hospice Foundation
The Art of Letter Writing: The Sympathy Note from The Art of Manliness
How To Write a Sympathy Note
Condolence Letters

LETTER WRITING SERIES: THANK YOU NOTES | PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE | LOVE LETTERS | SYMPATHY LETTERS | CONGRATULATORY LETTERS | POSTCARDS | LETTERS OF APPRECIATION | CORRESPONDENCE CHESS | GET WELL CARDS | LETTERS TO SICK CHILDREN | INVITATIONS | HOLIDAY LETTERS | LETTERS TO SANTA| LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION | LETTERS TO THE EDITOR | CIRCLE LETTERS | LETTERS TO POLITICIANS | WRITING TO ADVICE COLUMNS | THE LETTER WRITING GAME | PENPAL LETTERS | LETTER OF COMPLAINT | COVER LETTERS | LETTERS TO PRISONERS | OPEN LETTERS | LETTERS TO FUTURE YOURSELF | LETTERS OF APOLOGY | "OPEN WHEN" LETTERS | FAN MAIL | GOOD BYE LETTER |